BLUF: What is more advisable? Having a third pregnancy quickly after your second one or first progressing your career?
BACKGROUND: My wife and I are expecting our second child in November, and are discussing having a third one. My wife took up a new job as project manager in February, got good mid-year reviews on her performance, but felt she did not perform to her own standards due to all the pregnancy-related problems (sickness, back pain,...).
During the mid-year appraisal, her manager hinted that he sees her growing to a higher career level in the next year or two.
Now we are discussing, whether it would be wiser FIRST to focus on the job, get some major successes and a promotion under her belt, and THEN have the next child or whether FIRST to have the next child quickly and THEN focus on developing her career without further interruptions.
Our company has a family-friendly attitude, and maternity leaves lasts only 3 - 4 months here in Belgium (i.e. her work can be covered by a back-up with relative ease). However there is no guarantee that her manager wants to continue developing her if she announces another pregnancy. From the perspective of age, we have no constrains from the biological clock.
Which option would you chose?
Any thoughts/experiences from your side are more than welcome!
Sven
DISC 7511
No Easy Answer
I don't think there's a single right answer here. There are so many factors to consider:
* How disappointed will you both be if a 3rd child never happens?
* How disappointed will your wife be if her career doesn't go as far as she'd planned at 22
I can tell you my experience. I had 3 babies very close together (2007, 2008, 2010). I basically made a choice to sideline my career for a short term (about 5 years) while I started my family. I still worked full time most of those years and was fortunate to be with a solid company that was understanding. But I was very very sick for each pregnancy and had to take time off (short-term disability) before giving birth and took a full12 weeks after birth with each child. I was never surprised when my annual reviews were luke-warm and raises non-existent. It was a choice and I was okay with the ramifications.
Now that my children are a *bit* older I am able to be more fully engaged in my career and I know my path forward won't have a gaping 3-6 month breaks in my employment.
Taking a break (or at least focusing on less demanding tasks) to start a family doesn't have to be a career killer. As long as she's keeping her role warm and engaged while there, opportunity will still exist when she's back to it with full force.
On Timing - you mention that there are no age-related concerns around having children. I can tell you from the experiences of multiple friends that you never know. Plenty of my friends have had an easy time with a baby #1 or #2 but experienced secondary infertility later on. And as much as we women like to think we can do things whenever we want the truth is that carrying children gets harder and more risky with time.
The other risk of waiting is that if she gets promoted 2-3 levels and then wants to have baby #3 she will suddenly find it MUCH harder to take that break to have another child.
All that said... if balance of factors depends on how much you both want a #3 and how much you are willing to put at risk (not necessarily lose, just put at risk).
Ultimately for me, family comes first. We made the best decision for our FAMILY (which was multiple children, close in age) and made our careers work around that. For me, having giant age gaps between kids wasn't what I wanted. You may be more okay with 3,4,5,7 years between children. I just wanted to get everyone out of diapers sooner!
Good luck making a decision!!
Thank you!
Thank you Suzanne for that reply!
I guess you are right. There is no "correct" answer to be made. We'll just have to follow our heart, and it helped us a lot that you shared with us that you can pursue your career even with 3 kids.
Gave us some peace of mind :-)