Not being social with the boss?

I've rewritten this response about five times now.  I'll leave it simple: if you've listened to any of the advice on building and maintaining a network (which your boss is a part of), would you turn down this offer from anyone else in your network?

--Steve

I don't think it has as much to do with being a woman as with communication style.  I know several people who are fine with activities from 8-5 but don't want to see coworkers after that.  If that's your boundary and you think it's important, then hold to it.

Also consider this: I've spent the past two years doing relationship management work and my overwhelming impression is that things that happen after-hours act as a force-multiplier for effectiveness.  Often, when I see people at lunch or even late afternoon coffee, they're thinking about work, about the things they need to get done, about getting back to the office because the boss is wondering where they are.  After work, much of that melts away. People become more casual and approachable and share things that they wouldn't normally share in the office.  Maybe some people don't want that. The way I look at is that I care about the people I work with (both my team and my stakeholders) and my genuine interest in their well-being not only makes me feel good as a person but it creates a level of trust that extends into our work activities.  That trust provides the grease to unstick the cogs of my organization (and other organizations as well).

--Steve

You might want to consider what the culture of your workplace is.  Second, you could always go once as a courtesy and then after that say you'd really rather just do lunch because you want to get home after work (no explanation needed).

I agree with Andy that sometimes after work can be more productive - its more loose and free flowing.

Is this your boss' way to start to try to mentor you?  just a thought.

John

Hi there Bug_Girl,

Taking time with one's manager, and with co-workers, outside the office and outside office hours can be incredibly valuable.  And it can be dangerous, especially for women. 

The goal:  have a better relationship.  Get to know a little bit more about someone: their kids, their alma mater, why they left their previous job and what they aspire to in their current role.  Good stuff, and it can make for better communications and understanding. 

Remember the "Time to Party" podcast?  That's got lots of good advice for handling any evening time with colleagues. Don't drink much (or at all), don't dance, and make sure to talk to people.  Basically, avoid situations that could raise questions about propriety.  I've seen people cross that line, and their careers suffered. 

I've also seen people who won't/don't/can't socialize.  It's much less problematic than drunken revelry.  Mark says that relationships are built on the quantity and quality of interactions - and evening socials are a chance for high quality interactions. 

A few other thoughts:  groups are "safer" than having just two people out, especially if you don't know someone well.  There's less chance that things will be misunderstood (between the two of you, and by others who might catch wind of it).  Movies are an odd choice;  try to do things that allow for more social interaction (bowling, or a golf driving range, or a city walking tour). 

And yes, it will take away from family and personal time.  That's the trade-off.  There is no easy answer. 

John Hack