Do YOU Need to Apologize?

Gentlemen, Thanks again for another

Gentlemen,

Thanks again for another excellent podcast. Do you mind if I give you some feedback? At the end, I was hoping to hear perhaps a little bit about how to receive an apology. If someone were to offer me an apology using the model and steps you describe, I'd want to respond in kind. I feel like an honest apology deserves an equally good response.

So maybe you could tell me: what is the best way to accept an apology? "I accept" seems so cold, and "oh, no problem, don't worry about it, etc." seems too informal for a really heartfelt, well-done apology. What do you suggest?

drinkcoffee, Hilarious! Guess what

drinkcoffee,

Hilarious! Guess what the next podcast might be about? ;-)

Stay tuned ... hard to fit it all into a single podcast.

best regards,
Mike

CLASSIC! We are

CLASSIC! We are prescient!

You guys

You guys rock.

Great podcast. Caused me to reflect on

Great podcast. Caused me to reflect on my own habit with regard to the art of apologizing. I find that I have a habit of apologizing for things I've had to do in the line of duty, as a manager, that have negatively affected a subordinate, and for which I'm remorseful, but which were necessary. For example, I recently had to direct that a highly-regarded subordinate cancel her vacation plans, as a result of unforeseen events (and no, I didn't feel guilty or responsible for failing to foresee the events--we are subject to the whims of the Congress, which can be quite unpredictable, believe me).

So, in this case, I sincerely apologized to this woman for the fact that she was going to have to change her plans. She's a great employee, and took it like a trooper. But, the question is: should a manager apologize for this kind of thing? Not a gaffe, just the effects of a very dynamic business environment.

R/
Len

Len, I share your same reservation

Len,

I share your same reservation about these apologies.

Generally I do not believe that you should apologize for unforseen events of which you have no control. If an earthquake destroyed my assistant's office I may be sorry that the event happened to him, but I would not be able to apologize for the damage to his belongings.

An apology also states that you would have done things differently if you could. It is disingenuous to apologize for something while knowing full well that if the situation repeats itself you will need to respond in the same fashion.

Edward

Len and Edward- Well, I think I

Len and Edward-

Well, I think I disagree with Edward. I would apologize. The fact is that when you are someone's manager, to them, you ARE the company. You speak for the company. You're asking them - as the company - to do something which causes strain on their family. I think apologizing for this is simply graciousness.

I don't think it's disingenuous to apologize for something you would do again. (And, you don't "need" to do so... you could resign, or the employee could.)

So, I would. It's a small thing - it's just an apology - but it surely well be well received.

Mark

Hello Mark, Maybe I am losing

Hello Mark,

Maybe I am losing effectiveness in pursuit of nuance but I do save apologies to those actions that I would not repeat. I believe that it is vital that I can take ownership of the circumstance and fear diluting the sincerity and weight of my apology if I extend it to other unfortunate events. For example, should an emergency require many extra hours for my staff I would tell them (often) how much I appreciate their sacrifice and attempt in some way to reward them but I would not apologize for the situation. This may be unnecessarily particular but it allows me to 'feel' my words more so when I do offer my regrets.

Luckily, I still have my own gaffes so I have many opportunities to practice your model. In spite of my points above I also have a low threshold point for apologizing and do it often.

Mark, nice catch on my "need" phrasing in the earlier post. That was a clumsy choice of words. I am reminded of your 'Time Management' cast and Mike remarking how you always keep him in line when he tries to "make some time". :-)

Every grateful,

Edward

I think Mark is saying you apologize

I think Mark is saying you apologize for the results of the decision and the impact it is having, but not for the decision. You can't apologize for that because it wasn't wrong. It was the right things for the business, but you can be sorry for the impact it has.

I had a manager who once drilled into us "when you have to bow, bow low." That has served me very well over the years. I once made a word choice mistake in an email that someone else forwarded on to customers without my permission, resulting in some backlash. I immediately apologized to the customer, my manager, his VP, the HR manager, and even the owner of the company. My boss told me I didn't need to go any further than him, but I felt it appropriate at that time. They were very receptive (except the HR manager who was still shaking with fury). Two weeks later I was promoted. The other person at fault did not apologize and was put on probation. A sincere recognition of a mistake and an apology DOES make a difference.

Are we confusing empathizing with

Are we confusing empathizing with apologizing? If I remember correctly, Deborah Tannebaum in her book, You Just Don't Understand, said that when women say, "I'm sorry," they're expressing empathy, not necessarily apologizing. When a man says "I'm sorry," he's apologizing.

So if something happens that's not your fault, you can still say "I'm sorry" as a means of expressing empathy, not an apology. For example, when someone dies, you say, "I'm sorry for your loss." You didn't cause the loss (at least I hope not.)

I think we need some women to chime in on this thread.

As for what to say, when someone apologizes to me, I usually say, "Thank you for apologizing. I know that wasn't easy for you." Depending on the circumstances I may address the behavior as a way to ensure that it won't happen again, or I may use humour to move on. Of course, if it's my wife apologizing, I scream "YES, YES!" at the top of my lungs:-)

Regards,

Glenn

Glenn Said: "Of course, if

Glenn Said:

"Of course, if it’s my wife apologizing, I scream “YES, YES!” at the top of my lungs:-)"

Glenn, that's hilarious and absolutely right. Much of Mike & Mark's content should come with the disclaimer:

DO NOT TRY THIS ON YOUR SPOUSE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!

...absolute disaster.

That is a great observation, Dan.

That is a great observation, Dan. People use the term interchangeably either to express remorse or to express empathy. To state “I am sorry” does not have the same strength as the MT-recommended phrase “I apologize,” partially because ‘apologize’ is more a single use term. Certainly you would not drop by the funeral and state “I apologize for the loss of your mother.” (at least I hope not, as well)

regas14 – I am not brave enough to offer my wife “feedback” in the same way that I would with my directs but I have realized value from MT at home. I played one of the feedback casts in the car when we were on a road trip and she picked up on one thing pretty quickly. Commenting on specific behavior instead of general notes on personality (e.g. “when you don’t look away from the computer screen when talking to me I get the impression that you are not interested in what I have to say”). Yes, High D behavior. Regarding the interesting benefits to my personal life - Thank you Mark and Mike!

Edward

Hi all, thought the economist ariticle

Hi all, thought the economist ariticle (link below) was very topical:

http://www.economist.com/agenda/displayStory.cfm?story_id=8074419&fsrc=R...

Not many people/companies get it right do they...

Trent

I am trying to figure out how to

I am trying to figure out how to forward this to the pope, so he quits making headlines for poor apologies. You pointed out his mistake right at the beginning of the podcast.

He said he was "deeply sorry for the reactions to a brief passage considered offensive to the feelings of Muslim believers".

He apologized for their reactions, not for what he said. I guess I'm not the only one who is bad at saying I'm sorry.

Great podcast, keep up the good work!
Michelle

Thanks for a great Podcast. At first I

Thanks for a great Podcast. At first I didn't think the topic would be that useful (I actually skipped this episode). However, I ran into a situation where the VP of sales told me that I had done something that had upset our Director of Sales. He asked if I would please apologize. Now I'm pretty stubborn and apologizing is not within my nature, but I decided I would download the Podcast first. I definitely would have had some buts and ifs in my apology if I had not listened. But instead I just came out with "I apologize; I should not have made that comment in front of the CEO". We discussed it a bit more and again I said my comment was completely inappropriate. This is generally a person that everyone needs to walk on egg shells around. I had no idea how he would react. He actually hugged me and said that he really appreciated my apology. From hear on out I will definitely be a better apologizer. Thanks.

maketingLeader- Well done! Nice

maketingLeader-

Well done! Nice change for the better. Just so you know, when I read, "pretty stubborn and apologizing is not within my nature", my first thought was, "not cool." Please take no offense, but those who don't apologize make just as many mistakes as most of the rest of us high achievers... so when there's no apology, the relationship suffers.

Glad we were helpful, and thrilled you did it so well.

Mark

Gentlemen, I`m really glad you made

Gentlemen,

I`m really glad you made apologizing a topic of this cast. I think there are so many people who are not aware of how much harm 'not apologizing' does to their relationships.

Thank you very, very much for making manager tools available; I have yet to find an issue of your podcast that does not contain loads of great information ;) - and you get it across with a lot of humour, too.

Kind regards from Duesseldorf/Germany.

Dirk

Dirk- You're quite welcome. We're

Dirk-

You're quite welcome. We're glad you're with us, and thrilled you're getting value from our work.

Mark

Thanks for the podcast. I will

Thanks for the podcast. I will certainly use it for future references, which are probably not far off. Ironically, I just had to apologize for offending an employee through an email that I sent. I learned some things from your podcast that will change the way I do it in the future.

One rule of thumb I have followed is to apologize in the same setting that I offended in. For example, if I embarrass someone in public, then I would apologize in public. In this case, I embarrassed the person with an email to 10 people; I apologized the same way (before I heard your podcast). My thoughts are to let this one go and do better next time. What do you suggest?

Thanks,
Gary

Gary- While there are many

Gary-

While there are many subtleties, I think your approach is fine. I generally strive for face to face, or phone, before email, even if I've offended through email. If there were others involved, I am biased towards following up with them, but sometimes do not... it just depends.

Thanks for sharing your approach...no need to go back this time. Your humanity will put you in the penalty box again soon enough. We all have miles to go before we sleep.

Mark

Dear Mike and Mark, I just listened

Dear Mike and Mark,

I just listened to this podcast and wanted to thank you for the steps. It's one of a series of podcasts (resolving conflict, time management, building a network) where I have reflected on some of the missed opportunities in my career and how your advice would have helped me be more effective.

However, the past is past. I look forward to being more effective in my current and future roles based on your wisdom.

Can I offer more feedback? When Mark is the one who gives the example of how to apologize and Mike makes jokes about having Mark (and listeners) grovel for him, it makes Mike seem less sincere about using the techniques himself. It's easy to believe that Mark apologizes, but what about Mike? Would it be better for Mike to give examples of how he has used Mark's techniques effectively?

In any case, I liked the topic and enjoyed the podcast.

Best,
Rob

[...] Manager-tools, back in October

[...] Manager-tools, back in October talked about how to apologize well. Since their podcast on the topic I’ve been very sensitive to other people’s apologies and my own. It was a very helpful podcast for anybody in customer service. [...]

Sorry, I hope I didn't hurt your

Sorry, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings by apologizing too much the other day. I feel bad and feel like I need an apology for what was said.

Hi Mark, Just to follow up on Rob's

Hi Mark,

Just to follow up on Rob's comments above, I agree that your comments about grovelling can be confusing. Earlier in the podcast you specifically state that one must be careful about making the person you are appologizing to uncomfortable and making them feel like the need to let you off the hook right away (" oh, don't be silly it was no big deal at all!!). In that example you mention overdoing it with your words; grovelling and being on your knees is the physical equivalent of overdoing it. That said, I owed an appology to my manager last week and used your advice. It went very well, we were both much more comfortable afterwards. Thank you!

Thanks for everything you do. Based on your advice from how to "fire" someone and coaching, I've been given the opportunity to work with another employee as a test of my management skills. As a loistener for a year now of Manager Tools I know that I am well prepared. Thank you so much for all the advice you give, it is great.

If there is one response I get to this post, it is an answer to this question: Do you have any advice for people who newly become managers? What should we focus on first? How should that first interaction go with our new team. After all, they know we are new and are likely former co-workers. How best to establish the new dynamics of our relationship?

Thanks for everything that you do.

MJ

MJ- Ah, the dreaded complibut! Glad

MJ-

Ah, the dreaded complibut! Glad you're able to use our recommendations even when they aren't perfect.

I think the key to starting a new management role is one on ones. Since it's all about people, and more communication is better, and relationships are one of the underpinnings of all great successes, one on ones is an easy, clear thing to focus on. Everything else can flow from that. (And, it goes with my mantra of Fit in, fit in, fit in!)

It's a privilege to serve you.

Mark

I would liek to say that i

I would liek to say that i apologize when it is needed. 

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Sorry Watch

Listeners to this cast might enjoy this old but classic article: http://www.salon.com/2001/08/23/sorry_if/
which contains this interesting point:

'"I apologize" is good, although if you have a history of issuing weasel apologies it can be worrisome: What kind of apology did you make? Was it a "sorry" or a "sorry if"? Tip: If you secretly feel that your apology left your pride unbowed, it may have been a weasel apology.'

The author of that article contributes to this blog about apologies in the news: http://www.sorrywatch.com/

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This article is something that will help me with my class assignment. It helped me to better understand another aspect of this topic. Thanks.

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2 views

 2 conflicting views worth contemplating: 

“An apology is the super glue of life. It can repair just about anything.”  /Lynn Johnston

“Never apologize, mister, it’s a sign of weakness.” (said to a guy with gambling debts at 

/John Wayne

I think there is nothing wrong to show you're weakness, it's a part of being human. 

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