Behavior Again

Catching up on HBR editions this weekend, I came across this quote from Doug Conant, CEO of Campbell Soup: "You can't talk your way out of something you behaved your way into. You have to behave your way out of it". In another conversation, a friend and I were discussing our tendency to ascribe intent to other people's behavior and therefore wait for apologies which are not going to come. Oftentimes, the other person doesn't even know they did something wrong.

The feedback model teaches us not to worry about why someone did something, but just to tell them about how effective (or not) the behavior was. We don't wait for an apology, we wait for their behavior to change. If it doesn't, we tell them again.

Mr Conant is right. We can't talk our way out of ineffective behavior, at least not more than once. We have to behave differently to demonstrate we've heard. In behaving differently, we also demonstrate we understand the negative effect that behavior has on others. Talk is cheap. If you need to, change your behavior.