“I’ll be honest with you”
January 16th, 2007I hear this phrase all the time.
Please stop.
It is both misleading and damaging to your reputation.
It is misleading because you don’t intend to imply that you weren’t being honest a moment ago…but that’s the inference you’re allowing. When it comes to managerial communications, a reasonable inference allowed is an implication assumed. One must communicate not only to be understood, but so as to not be misunderstood.
And a reputation that you are selectively honest is the kiss of death.
“I know, Mark, I know, I don’t really mean it. It’s just a figure of speech,” you say. “What I’m trying to get across…”
I know what you’re trying to get across, and I understand. But say what you really mean:
I’ll be candid with you.
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January 16th, 2007 at 3:48 am
You struck close to home on this one. I used to say “I think” before expressing my opinion on something. I was not aware of this until my leadership coach pointed it out. She then pointed out that it diminished anything that follows it. This was a backdoor I would leave open so I could easily back out when someone challenged what I was saying. I now have a greater awareness of what I am saying and I found that this has really improved my confidence. I have developed a stronger sense of self-awareness and found that there were a lot of small things I was doing that were holding me back.
January 16th, 2007 at 4:32 am
Steve,
Very good point about “I think”. I try to stay away from that when I express an opinion. What I try to avoid even more is the word “should” when talking about policy, strategy, or any other topic for that matter. In business we care about what “is” and what “is not”. “Should” does not matter, only what “is” matters.
I’ll be honest with you
, when someone uses that phrase the hair on my neck stands up. My immediate reaction is “what BS are you going to try to feed me now?”
I can forgive someone for not being completely candid at all times, but I can’t forgive someone for not being honest at all times.
My $.02
Brad
January 16th, 2007 at 8:10 am
Urgh, these hackneyed phrases really grate with me. I have worked in many customer facing positions and am acutely aware of lingo. With Mark’s example above- I 100% agree- saying “I’ll be honest with you” implies that you weren’t being honest with them before.
Also when people reply to a request with ‘no problem’- (may I have another napkin please?) people say it to assure you there is no problem, but it leaves a feeling that there might have been. If there really was no problem- then say ‘certainly, I’ll get you one’.
“At the end of the day”- not sure if this is a UK one- but this annoys me soo much as it’s everywhere. Still “at the end of the day, it gets dark”
For some more:
http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/cliches.htm
I’m guilty of using these clichéed expressions too, but I try not to. It’s so refreshing when you hear and read un-buzzworded language.
January 16th, 2007 at 9:46 am
At the end of the day is decidedly NOT confined to the UK!
Mark
January 16th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
Uh oh, I feel myself starting to get wound up…
…breathe…
The list on the web link above is great and absolutely, like, applies to the, like, US! …Though I have no idea what a “Diamond Geezer” is!
.
A couple of my biggest irritations (though I make constant mistakes myself, I’m sure) are when folks use singular verbs with plural subjects, usually with conjugates of the verb is, e.g. “There is a lot of things that we need to get done around here!”. Another is using nouns as verbs. Every time I hear someone say that we need to “solution” something I have to beat down my homicidal side.
We won’t even mention usage of adjectives and adverbs.
I’ve noticed that Mark seems to be making an effort in his speech and writing to use proper grammar (refreshing and bravo!), though I have noticed in podcasts that he answers “I’m good” (which means he’s a good person) when asked by Mike how he’s “doing”. Correct answer, of course, is “I’m well” (which means I’m feeling/doing well). Sorry, Mark…
Sorry about that, folks. I’ll crawl back under my rock now…
Al
January 16th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Another in the same vein: “I’ll be frank…” or “Frankly…”
January 16th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
Oh, I am as guilty as anyone for using cliches. Thank you Mark for pointing out “Not a problem”. I use that one a lot. I need to work on alternatives “Please try to be on time from now on” would work much better.
The thing that made me conscious of them is communicating with my co-workers in other countries. They may not be understood, or in some cases they may be downright offensive.
My boss uses “To be blunt with you…” quite a bit.
Re: “Should”. is passive. I used to catch myself doing that frequently, particularly in writing. You can turn on an option in Microsoft for grammar checking and catch passive sentences. I got better at active sentences once I did that.
If I’m not sure of something I will say “I’m not 100% certain that…” which tells the person that I have doubts when I have them. I try not to use that too often though.
–Chuck
January 16th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
I feel that same way every time I’ve had to take an oath on a jury, so help me God, or heard a witness swear to tell the truth. So does that mean we’re off the hook other times? I want to have a reputation of honesty and inegrity at all times, not just when I’ve somehow alerted everyone that I’m in that mode.
January 16th, 2007 at 10:40 pm
My current least liked phrase is “That’s not acceptable”. It is negative, and conveys no information about what is wrong.
I was in a meeting a few weeks back and someone kept repeating the phrase, I reacted negatively even though it was not addressed to me. It took me a few hours to realize why I came out of the meeting with a bad attitude. I realize that a solution may not be acceptable, but there are better ways to express it. Either I am now hypersensative to the pharse, or it is catchy as I am hearing more often.
January 17th, 2007 at 12:17 am
Al-
HA! I am not “making an effort in [my] speech and writing to use proper grammar.” I actually AM using proper grammar, and it’s not an effort. It’s a treat!
And decidedly rare these days. (and therefore an enormous secret competitive advantage.)
There are very few things as joyous as a brilliant, balanced, mellifluous sentence.
In the interest of humor: that is the sort of post up with which I will not put.
LOL!
Mark
January 17th, 2007 at 12:19 am
It may be time to roll out our effective writing cast, and finalize the tool.
(And you thought you knew what we had up our sleeves!)
;-)
Mark
January 17th, 2007 at 12:58 am
Don’t Do This At Work!…
At the end of the day, I’ll be honest with you, if you use cliches when dealing with customers, you risk putting the whole ballgame between a rock and a hard place. This could absolutely negatively impact your bottom line,……
January 17th, 2007 at 2:17 am
“To tell you the truth . . . . ” Somebody said it to me the other day during a one-on-one. I really respect this guy and like what an effective manager and straight talker he is. And then he uncorks this ridiculous phrase. “Geez, Jim! Have you been BSing me all this time?”, I shot back impulsively. It was too strong. He looked like I’d just taken away a birthday present. I apologized. But it is certainly not a phrase to use when talking to your boss — it kind of ruins all credibility.
January 17th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
It’s like when people come to see me and I ask if they floss–”Sure Doc, everyday.” Riiiiiiiiiiight.
January 17th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
This discussion reminds me of a study I use in a presentation on effective negotiations. The chart compares negotiatiors considered skilled vs those considered average, and the study found several important differences. One is that skilled negotiators use an average of 2.3 “irritators” per hour of face-to-face negotiation time whereas the average negotiators used 10.8. Irritators were defined as any phrase with negligible value in persuasion and that just cause annoyance, such as “fair price,” “generous offer,” and “reasonable arrangement.”
We hear these used so often that they’ve lost their value; when you hear someone try to persuade you with these phrases, don’t you start to feel that that person is being disingenuous?
January 18th, 2007 at 9:59 am
I have learned over the years to say “I can be long-winded and diplomatic or I can be short and not very sweet. Which version would you like?” I’ve yet to be asked for the long-winded version, and I’ve let the person know that something is coming that they may not be very happy with. It’s a bit longer than “Let me be candid” but it helps the receiver prepare for blunt presentation and the message it contains.
January 18th, 2007 at 11:05 am
Mark,
Truth be told and in the interest of moving the peanut (I prefer the word ball, personally, but am flexible) forward while keeping a stiff upper lip
I really like the fact that I’ve had to pick up a dictionary on occasion to look up a word you’ve either written here or used in a podcast - cool! E.g., I had to look up the the word “koan” with which I was unfamiliar and noted that it’s pronounced KO’ - ahn. I like exercising my vocabulary “muscles”. Another reason to read more, especially HBR.
I also appreciate your use of grammar, though over the years my eyes and ears have become greatly deadened to its proper usage having worked around those who use it improperly for 22+ years (to say nothing about what you read and hear on the radio/TV). In fact, there are SO few folks in my work environment (very large technical/engineering organization) that use good grammar (some Directors don’t even bother with capitalization or punctuation in emails), that I’ll purposely use improper grammar in past emails so that I won’t be viewed as “odd” (for more than the more obvious reasons
). Should I hold my ground in the future?
Another point is, we ALL use cliches and colloquialisms whether we notice them or not (see previous sentence), they tend to get burned into us and sometimes become a part of our unique personality. How do we determine where to draw the line between dropping the obviously doltish phrases and keeping some “spice” in our verbal communications?
Al
January 18th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Paul-
Why not short and nice?
Mark
January 18th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Al-
Speak the language of the listener, while training them in yours. I learned that writing speeches, sort of.
My writing is slightly different, in that it is read by thousands. I cannot write for one listener… unless it is me. Solipsistic, but necessary.
And I like correct grammar and sharp words. Sometimes I deviate from Churchill’s entreaty: Short words are best, and old words, when short, are best of all.
Mark
January 19th, 2007 at 8:27 am
“I’llbehonestwithyou.”
Said quickly, as I lean in and lower my voice into a more interesting conspiratorial tone.
Yep, I’ve done it. Geez! That seems like a ridiculous phrase now that I consider it.
But worse than ridiculous, damaging even.
It is important for me to be honest. Less important, the perception of my integrity also matters.
I would resist if someone called me a liar.
And I did it to myself by implication.
Savy? Not so much.
Nope I’m not going to use that turn of phrase again.
Thanks for the eye opener.
Taking my medicine… again,
- poncho
January 24th, 2007 at 5:53 pm
I agree totally. It’s curious: we have the same expressions in Italy!
January 30th, 2007 at 11:47 pm
At a glance, I can see 2 post that began with “OK, I’ll admit………”. I think it falls into this same genre. It’s as if, you are never used to admit to anything but in this circumstance, you choose to give in. There must be a better alternative!
February 2nd, 2007 at 6:42 pm
“I’ll be candid with you” carries the implication that you are not usually candid. While this isn’t as bad as implying that you’re not usually honest, and everyone knows that business interactions require some guardedness, it may not be wise to remind folks of that fact too frequently. You don’t want them thinking “Mark doesn’t usually say what he really thinks.” I vote for either “To put it bluntly”, or just saying it.
This month’s Chicago Manual of Style Q&A has an item on “I’m good” vs. “I’m well”, and offers “I’m fine” as a compromise:
My favorite business jargon pet peeve is “actionable”, which Mark and Mike use quite a bit. The original meaning of this word is “likely to get you sued”. Even more horrific is “action” used as a verb (which I’ve only heard from M&M a couple of times). What ever happened to “doable” and “do”? Are our tasks really so important that they need to be dressed up in Latinate terms like exotic flora?
But thanks for all the podcasts and tools. Please keep them coming, because they are so, um, practical.
February 3rd, 2007 at 1:51 pm
Cool … I must admit, I didn’t know the real definition of “actionable”. And your right, I’ve been using it incorrectly for decades.
And thanks … happy you’re finding value despite often committing one of your pet peeves.
Mike
February 4th, 2007 at 12:51 am
Janet-
I love comments like yours! Thank you for thinking about how we communicate.
Alas, the definition of actionable includes our usage. While the primary usage derives from legalese, modern reference texts list definitions addressing the business usage. I know of few folks who make the mistake of confusing our usage with the legal etymology.
And, I stand by by our use of “candid”. We suggest it as a way to avoid a dangerous turn of phrase, substituting a more accurate one. While the pure derivation of the phrase suggests a normal lack of candor, I would argue that it is also received as suggesting an elevated level of candor from normal levels that are acceptable and reasonable.
To put perhaps too fine a point on it, our use allows the inference of a lack of candor… but we did not imply it.
Often, management and business are NOT candid. Advertising comes to mind…the Supreme Court actually has codified “puffery” as “legal”…it used to be, um, actionable.
I respect your point, though. We were trying to drag managers out of the depths. We probably didn’t get them to heaven. In my experience the key is remembering that it doesn’t matter what is said, what matters is what is heard. I believe our construction is more effective.
Language is always changing. Consider the use of disrespect as a verb lately. This is egregious enough to make me blanch. Which has nothing to do with food here.
Glad you like our work.
Mark
February 8th, 2007 at 9:35 pm
Hi guys, thanks for the great podcast, I’m actually using it from time to time to coach my managers.
As a cultural side-note, don’t hesitate to say “I think” when talking to Japanese people in English. They will understand it as a translation of their “to omoimasu”, which is used very frequently when showing oppinions.
It reflects the way Japanese people want to search for consensus within their peer group while discussing. Bluntly stating your oppinion would kind of hurt the group harmony in case their viewpoint, even initially, doesn’t coincide with what you just expressed.
Especially in group situations, if you confront your business partners too hard with an oppinion, and they are opposed, they will be thinking more about how to solve the face-loss than they will be listening to your line of reasoning.
So, when introducing some new idea to your Japanese counterparts, use statements like “I think”, “my suggestion is”, “perhaps it would be better if…”, “what would happen if…”
The sentence “I’ll be honest with you” on the other hand is, just like you described very eloquently in the podcast, just not done.
Cheers,
Leo
April 28th, 2007 at 10:43 am
I’m going to take the risk of swimming against the stream. I think many of the phrases mentioned above have some validity. They can be used to signal what your message is. To qualify what you are trying to say. I’m not a lover of fluff, but communication would be a very blunt instrument without the occasional use of ‘I think’ and its like.
It might seem contradictory to say that I had a colleague who used to say ‘To be honest’ ALL the time and, after months of this, I said to him ‘Sorry, but were you lying earlier’. It is not a phrase I use habitually. If I do use it, it is probably to sugar the pill, to alert the other party that I’m about to say something which they might not find easy to hear, but which I feel needs to be said. I believe, I hope, I’m not usually open to criticism of lacking an opinion and trying to express it clearly though.
I suspect that what many of us here really object to is the use of redundant words. The thing which does not have any validity whatsoever is the repeated, unthinking use of ANY such phrases. I could give you my twenty minute lecture about the way that people tend to use the word ‘hate’ and totally bankrupt a perfectly good word in the process. Currently I have colleagues who use the word ‘perfect’ as a substitute for anything from ‘ok’ through to ‘excellent’. This, again, bankrupts the rich language that we have at our disposal. I think (anything wrong with that?) that the use of the word ‘basically’ has now declined, but there was a time when it was reaching epidemic proportions. It was used to confer the idea that the speaker was giving some sort of deeply considered opinion about a complicated topic which they had distilled to its essence. And, that was usually almost as big a pile of pooh as the use of the phrase ‘With the greatest of respect’.
Truth is I was just trundling through the forums looking for something that I could express an opinion about. Doing so was just an excuse to say a huge thank you to Mike and Mark for the podcasts. They make my journey to work much pleasanter and provide me with some high quality coaching which often puts me in the right frame of mind for the day. I work in education, but find many of the points applicable. Thank you very much indeed!
Best wishes to all,
Richard Messenger
April 30th, 2007 at 3:26 am
Richard-
Our first ever butacomp! Classic.
Glad you’re getting value from our work!
Mark
April 30th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Mark,
I’m always pretty chuffed to be the fist at anything. I just wish I knew what it was! A butacomp? And to think (said with a big friendly, and genuine, smile) you have admitted to sometimes using words to let people know how clever you are. You didn’t need to! I already knew. Come on, dictionary.com doesn’t even know what a butacomp is.
Best,
Richard
May 1st, 2007 at 1:40 am
Richard-
You’d have to know what a complibut is first, and then reverse that, and you’d have it. It’s a local knowledge thing.
;-)
Mark
May 11th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
Mark,
would you contemplate a rebuttal? “I’ll be honest with you” I believe derives from ‘honest’ meaning simple, plain, without frills. You are indicating you are going to be frank and sincere in your next statement.
Chris
May 12th, 2007 at 1:56 am
Chris-
Sure, but how is that a rebuttal? Your NEXT statement is going to be sincere…as if your last one wasn’t so?
That’s not a good practice for a manager…
Mark
May 14th, 2007 at 3:18 pm
Sorry Mark, humble apologies, I tend to short-circuit from time-to-time. I was asking for time to refute your statments.
Paraphrasing: “I’ll be honest with you” I hear this phrase all the time. Please stop.
It is both misleading and damaging to your reputation.
But say what you really mean: I’ll be candid with you.
I was saying I believe you were wrong and that the phrase “to be honest” is effectively the same as being “candid”. Granted, the use of honest has leaned away from this definition in common parlance. You choose to take the reading as meaning “sincerety” rather than “candid” when in that context “candid” is the more obvious definition.
The greatest fault may be that the user should not have used potentially vague language.
Chris.
May 14th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Chris-
Killin’ me.
Being honest is NOT the same thing as being candid. Common parlance, unless as cockeyed as using “disrespect” as a verb, trumps things.
And, the definition of honest as meaning sincere is NOT more obvious among executives. Honesty is a very specific thing upon which all business is built. Candor, on the other hand, is not always required.
And, it’s okay to disagree.
Mark