Resolving Conflict
August 14th, 2006If you’ve ever had to deal with two of your directs fighting about something, this is the cast for you. Mark likes to say that “the definition of conflict is two human beings in the same COUNTY.” If that’s true, then 500 or 1,000 or 5,000 people in the same organization is not just ‘a conflict waiting to happen’, it’s conflict guaranteed to happen.
Yes, conflict is inevitable. Unfortunately, the natural response of most managers to conflict among their staff or team [can you guess what it is?] is completely, totally ineffective.
Sure, some conflict is good - the creative tension that produces better ideas, disagreements that lead to a third way. But most of us don’t describe that as conflict - that’s just “different ideas”. The conflict we’re talking about here is by definition dysfunctional and ineffective.
This cast lays out a way to address it and move toward effectiveness.
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August 15th, 2006 at 12:45 pm
The most common natural response I’ve seen is to create separation between the conflicting parties . . . either by assigning them to different tasks where interaction is considered optional or by transferring them to a completely different areas.
The result is not a team — but rather several individuals with no relationships among them.
August 15th, 2006 at 1:09 pm
Good point about not bringing your two fighting direct reports together at the same time in your office. I admit I’ve done this and would not do it again.
August 15th, 2006 at 8:15 pm
[…] Based on a recommendation by the slacker manager I added Manager Tools to my subscription list. I especially liked their latest podcast on conflict resolution. […]
August 16th, 2006 at 4:18 pm
I think that listening to both sides first individually then collectively goes a long way to solving conflict. This allows each person to be honest about what is going on.
August 16th, 2006 at 7:01 pm
I think Willie is on the right track. The solutions will present themselves if the individuals involved can be directed to avoid emotional inputs and focus on proper behaviours AND ways to enhace those behaviours. They must be given the opportunity to vent, then they need to be led back to the path of resolution. I find that asking them to give me ideas about resolving the conflict usually gets them calmed down and behaving properly implementing their solutions also makes them advocates and usually draws them together.
August 17th, 2006 at 1:56 am
I just found this podcast last night and played this segment in my car this morning. I was so overwhelmed wtih shock because I actually experienced the same situation contents of this article. Our team has just lost a young female employee as a result from prolonged personal conflict with an older female emplyee. The fatal error that we made was that my G.M. and I actually had a meeting with two of them together in the same room! As Mark said, it was the biggest mistake although we had good intention to have a heart-to-heart conversation as this young lady requested. Instead the result was the biggest disaster and they distant away from each other. After six months, she left the company saying that she could not deal with pressure any longer. I did not follow up promtply to make sure how two had been gone through. But this type of problem-solving is NOT often written in text book or tought at school.
August 17th, 2006 at 10:34 am
2 of my direct reports had some kind of blow up yesterday afternoon in front of other employees. I visited your site this morning planning to review the DiSC information so that I could have a framework to understand what may be driving their conflict. Guess what I find instead … the latest podcast on conflict resolution between direct reports!
Great timing guys and great podcast. I started one-on-ones about 2 months ago, so after I address the conflict (your four steps are perfect) today, i have a framework to begin to followup during my OOOs. Thanks again for a great site.
Don
August 17th, 2006 at 11:00 am
So that’s why my conflict resolution plan has never worked! I always assumed it was someone else’s fault! Thanks guys for shelling down the corn on yet another of MY problems.
Craig.
August 21st, 2006 at 12:15 am
Don-
It’s our privilege.
Mark
August 22nd, 2006 at 5:50 pm
I’m curious. I have an all female staff. Even a difference of ideas is to them “conflict” and can at time be the cause of little mini dramas. Do most think that men and women, in general, look at conflict differently? I’m thinking they do, but having such a small staff, maybe it’s just the personality types I have in my office and not really gender.
September 14th, 2006 at 6:53 pm
Thanks for your great inputs, I thought I can share my approach as well, here is how I usually approach the situation.
Step 1: Call for general discussion. After general chit-chat bring out the conflict point without mentioning the names of other people.
Step 2: Clarify your position - “that I aim to make this process (of whatever) faster and at this stage I am not trying to criticize anyone or being judgmental”
Step 3: Hear patiently
Step 4: Clarify your objective - “Amicable work environment” without which everything can be a issue and may take un-defined time to get resolved.
Step 5: Close the discussion with an expectation of better working environment and positive participation. I also feel it is better to check if the person agrees to it.
Step 6: Repeat same with other party.
Since team environment is crucial part of team it is better to lay out your expectation very clearly in the beginning and then control the situation by observing and giving appreciation & subtle feedback.
September 14th, 2006 at 8:31 pm
AC5500-
I’d love to agree, but just can’t. I can’t see that calling for general discussion and chit chat are effective - folks know something is coming. And the fact that you have a goal of an amicable work environment was probably true before, but yet you still had a problem therein. After step 6, you say that team environment is crucial, and so you lay out your expectation early, but then don’t lay out your expectation until your final step. And of course, “control” of the situation is impossible… control is always an illusion.
Mark
December 6th, 2006 at 8:21 pm
I have a strange conflict issue with a colleague who is another manager and was hoping for some feedback. We both work on the same account and a year ago he was promoted to run the local account. We have both worked side by side for 6 years with the same client. We are both deemed part of the ‘leadership’ for our division and are respected. However, recently we have been at odds on virtually all the things either of us do on the account. I have tried to sit down in his office with him and discuss the different opinions and how it can affect our team, however, he either has gotten defensive or would not acknowledge a difference of opinion. I have tried this several times with no luck. Finally, i asked him to get together outside the office (dinner/beer - we’re friends outside of work) - thinking that since he rushes around and claims he is so ‘busy’ at the office, this may allow him to clear his head to discuss the items. After initially saying yes, he has cancelled on me or given several excuses not to meet. I’m starting to get very frustrated and i fear the frustration with him is starting to negatively affect the remainder of our management and staff team members. Any other options - besides getting loud? - feedback is appreciated.
December 17th, 2006 at 2:27 am
First off, getting loud is not effective. I wouldn’t go there.
Keep trying to engage him. Work on giving him specific examples where your disagreements affected the customer or specific members of the team. Try to stay with concrete items - work being late, for instance, versus “low morale”. The former is harder to argue.
Also probably wouldn’t hurt to issue a blanket apology, in case he’s harboring ill will of a misunderstanding.
Of course, he may also be doing a power play on you, thinking that he really outranks you now. In that situation, continue to do the right things, and if it were me, I’d document this stuff and then ignore it as well. Focus on the work, and continue to seek professional and cordial relations.
I encourage you to use the Peer Feedback Model… it really does work.
Keep us posted.
Mark
January 13th, 2007 at 9:53 pm
I found this podcast through google this evening, and I have to say thanks for the helpful content.
I have spent an afternoon reading books on resolving conflict at work, but this podcast has given me more useful info than 5 hours of reading.
Thank you.
January 13th, 2007 at 11:04 pm
Lee-
Thank you for your kind words. We’re glad you’re getting value from our work - your comments are why we’re doing this. No sense spending hours when minutes are all you need.
It’s a privilege to serve you.
Mark
January 16th, 2007 at 1:02 am
A few years ago, I had a challenging conflict issue with two direct reports who worked out of a different office than I worked out of. Due to the fact that I was not there to observe the behavior and it largely occurred behind closed doors, it turned into a he-said she-said situation with both parties digging in to their positions.
Since he was more senior, I had him leading the project. He said that she was not performing well and was too sensitive and defensive when given feedback…she said that he micromanaged and was verbally and physically intimidating and threatening. At the end of the day, she was so upset that she was ready to quit.
I used a feedback approach similar to the one you recommend. Although I was able to somewhat cool things down and get them to finish the project without any more blowups, I never really solved the root problem and I avoided teaming them up after that.
What could I have done better in this situation, where neither party would admit they did the behavior reported by the other?
Harry
January 17th, 2007 at 12:09 am
Harry-
Not sure there is a lot you could have done better. Under the circumstances, chalk it up as a win… nobody left. Reminds me of a line in the movie Roadhouse, where the owner of the bar who has asked Patrick Swayze to come in and clean it up says, after a rough night, “It was a good night. Nobody died.”
Be VERY VERY VERY careful of armchair psychoanalysts getting hold of you and saying that it is “CRITICAL!” to know what the “root problem” is. It’s not critical at all. What’s critical is getting work done to standards professionally.
Also remember that when you’re giving feedback to one person, if you got the information from another, you are BY DEFINITION saying you believe it. Otherwise… why would you talk about it? It’s okay for folks to be defensive, too. Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Defensiveness is just the first of their skirmish lines probing the enemy (YOU) to determine the strength of your forces and your willingness to fight.
Not knowing more, it’s hard to say…but I will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with choosing whom you believe more.
Mark
January 25th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
Hi there,
I would like to ask your opinion on having conflicts with customers, would you consider the same process or how would you deal with it as opposed to team conflicts?
March 21st, 2007 at 8:17 pm
Rachel-
I am so sorry this took me so long. Can you explain what you mean by customer conflicts?
I think I’m going to say, “give the customer what she wants”…
Mark
April 3rd, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Hi Mark, the customer conflicts I was thinking about revolve around a situation where the customer is very much wrong in their reponse to a situation and to give in would be against good customer best practices, how would you resolve this type of situation in order to maintain the relationship?
Also, what is the best way to maintain a working relationship after a conflict situation has arisen?
Thanks
Rachel
April 12th, 2007 at 9:54 am
I enjoy the podcasts very much and find both of you (Mark and Mike) extremely knowledgeable. I heartily agree with 95 percent of what you teach. The one topic I disagree vigorously with is conflict resolution. I am a Chief Learning Officer of a hospital. I regularly mediate conflicts between disputants. Yes, it has to be done by a skilled mediator who lays the framework, sets the tone, and maintains ground rules. But I have done this time and time again with much success. I don’t believe you can really resolve the conflict by talking to them separately. It is vitally important that each party hear the other’s viewpoint. It is amazing how this broadens the other’s perspective. This does take time to work through and it should not be done for every minor conflict. However, if the issue is important and the relationship is important, it should be done. I welcome other comments.
April 12th, 2007 at 10:51 am
delgi,
Thanks for the comment!
I’m interested in hearing more. I’d hazard a guess that most of our listeners are not skilled mediators (to include me) … what is your recommendation for those folks?
Mike
April 12th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
Degli-
I have a little different take than Mike:
A) our technique works with ALL conflicts, and we don’t have to teach which are small and which are big. And, some managers do NOT know the difference.
B) managers are not going to learn how to mediate. It’s a high level skill that they don’t have the time to learn, nor apply in the course of day to day.
I know how to mediate…but it doesn’t work for most managers.
Mark
September 10th, 2007 at 12:13 pm
Hi,
I’m a new chief executive of a small museum in England. I’ve listened to the podcast on the way to work; I knew I had to speak to a member of staff (front of house manager in a museum) who shouted at one of her direct reports last week. The two had had a misunderstanding, and I’d asked the cleaner to apologise to the manager, which she did. At the same time, I’d asked the manager to accept the apology and draw a line under the issue. Nevertheless, the manager shouted at the cleaner.
That was Friday. Today (Monday), rather than going through the “she said, I said”, I did concentrate in my feedback on the manager’s behaviour towards her direct report. I did ask her to apologise to the cleaner, but she feels that she’s in the right and flat out refuses to apologise. I don’t think there’s anything I can do, although I believe that she’d come out in a stronger position if she did.
I wonder what to do now. How can I show my manager that apologising isn’t a sign of weakness or bad management? How would the cleaner understand her interests are being taken seriously if nothing happens?
Am a bit new to this being a CEO thing. Would very much appreciate some help…
thanks! Podcasts are great, by the way - they have given me more confidence in dealing with stuff. And staff.
Al